I think there's a certain irony in the consistency of the number one person in my life & the real number one person in my life.

The fact that my certain eminant downfall has recently occured & the emotion of total distraught & rock bottom has obtained a stronghold on everything that seems to be me at this very moment--she's feeling no differently. The one person besides myself, I would try & give the world too & I can't seem to help.

HELPLESS.

Last night Chris called me out on my most recent attitude. Apparently I've never seemed so out of it in... Ever. My whole situation is far beyond the concept of a "wreck." I'm totally exhausted & I officially feel like I've been pulled in so many directions by everyone else that, I don't really know what I want for myself. I know that small idea of what I always wanted is still out there lingering.. But I'm just so tired. Literally, I'm mentally incapacitated--Emotionally done.

So now.. It's my time to shine & oh boy! I'm going to shine. I'm making plans that I refuse to let anyone betray, most especially myself. Goals that are attainable & logical & will in the end, help me reach my point of satisfaction & gratification.

In the mean time, I'll stop putting up a facade of happiness & actually try to be happy.